Curiouser & Curiouser

Have y'all ever had a role-model that was not necessarily human—perhaps a character in a book or movie that inspired you?

Due to my humanities and liberal arts education background, it is no secret that I contain an admiration for various authors and their fictitious creations. However, as I have grown into a young adult, I have found my perspective has broadened on a few. While I feel a certain type of nostalgia and closeness with many fictional characters, this past year I felt a particular connection to Alice from Alice in Wonderland. Alice meaningfully impacted my life by helping me accept, love, and embrace my self-identity.

For those who are unfamiliar with the movie and/or book, Alice is a young child who spends most of her days chasing adventure, being curious about complex thoughts, obsessing over time, and entertaining her vivid imagination. One day, Alice falls down a rabbit hole and enters a fictional world called Wonderland. Wonderland is where Alice grows up, constantly reentering whenever she is having a “mad spiral”, in other words—overthinking. Eventually, Alice’s consistent flee from her real life consequently results in finding her life purpose, recognizing that her “mad” mind is a companion of hers rather than an adversary, as it helps her be a visionary for her future.

These main components of the story serve to show the context of why Alice is relatable to me. Growing up, I knew I was different. Despite the cliche of that statement, it is true. I remember being a young pupil, constantly asking my mother “big questions” about the state of the world and its inhabitants. This continued to remain true during my teenage years; I would spend hours researching a subject or opportunity that I was interested in because I perceived success to equate to how my curiosities coincided with hard work and determination to reach a certain goal.

When I came to SMU for my undergraduate studies, I threw myself into a variety of facets I was passionate about. Though this reaped benefits, I also began to discover how I was going down my own metaphorical “rabbit hole”, often becoming overwhelmed; although my academic victories were evident, my personal life became what felt invaded by my thoughts and worries. I deemed time as an enemy, always feeling that I had to constantly over-achieve to stay ahead all while obsessing on ways to maintain a pace and rhythm that was simply unmanageable. I was even apprehensive about people I had encountered, projecting my past, negative experiences from friendships onto them, creating expectations about them—fearful about the consequences of surrounding myself with a certain crowd.

I thought my habits were healthy, however, I was aware that these mannerisms were becoming impossible to maintain long term; rather, my intrusive thoughts and worries were not sustainable. Therefore, my inescapable habit eventually became problematic.

Have y'all ever had a copying mechanism or certain habit you unconsciously have developed, eventually causing you stress or worry?

Because of this, I came to the harsh realization that perhaps I had spent enough time suppressing who I was; maybe instead, I needed to reflect on the people I chose to surround myself with in the past, why that had caused me pain, and why it was having an effect on me. Having reflection, I was cognizant of why I was having so many social worries.

In high school, I spent so much time battling negative friendships, toxic drama, and bad relationships that no wonder my wonder had gotten out of control. My overthinking had always been a part of my life, but overtime, it became my coping mechanism to ensure I protect myself from these types of people. Living in fear or wonder, in this case, was not helping me but rather mentally hurting me. Moreover, living in this way, although seemingly wise, was also prohibiting me from actually meeting people that would be beneficial friendships & relationships in the long run.

After all, Alice once said, “The secret is to surround yourself with people who make your heart smile. It’s then, only then, that you’ll find Wonderland”.

One day, I thought: “What if my wonder, what I felt like was my own ‘Wonderland’, was really my friend: my advantage” I began to jokingly call my overthinking “Gracie’s rabbit hole” thereafter.

I have now come to realize that the parallels between Alice’s characteristics and my own are valid. Instead of poking fun at this, I chose to embrace the similarities Alice and I shared, realizing maybe my wonder was not “madness”; rather, it was my advantage.

Therefore, the lasting impact Alice and the fictional “rabbit hole” has had on my life is key to accepting who I am today; knowing I am the student, person, daughter, friend, and scholar I am due to this has allowed me to find relatability to Alice, recognizing others have their own, unique "wonderlands" (characteristics) too.

Much like Alice, the surprising things she was exposed to; the people, places, and beings she met were all derived from the Wonderland experience she engaged in, understanding that curiosity is not mad but instead eye-opening.

Thus, Alice and her influence on embracing my identity this past year has created a meaningful impact that has changed my life profoundly.

I hope my vulnerability encourages you to learn to love, embrace, and accept your genuine, authentic self as well; furthermore, be proud of it! Being on the search for who you are, who you want to be, & who you want to surround yourself with are beneficial, curious thoughts that I hope you consider on your individual journey.

Comment or message me if you have any allegorical relations with fictional characters in your life too!

“Inauthenticity feels uncomfortable because when someone holds back a part of themselves, they’re literally tightening up and creating tension. That's why being open, at ease, and fully yourself is a vibe, one that helps others feel safe to do the same”

(Cory Allen).