How to Love Yourself in 10 Ways

Happy (almost) Valentine’s Day everyone!

I know there are some mixed perspectives on Valentine’s Day whether you participate in the festivities or not; however, I want y’all to feel encouraged this year regardless of your relationship status.

Whether you have a partner, significant other, or are single this Valentine's Day, this post is for you.

I hope you all have seen the classic Kate Hudson movie How To Lose a Guy in 10 Days with co-star Matthew McConaughey.

If not, here’s a quick synopsis (sorry for the spoiler): two strangers place separate bets: 1) to see if the man can make the other—the woman—fall in love with him & 2) to see if the woman can date and break up with the man in 10 days.

Because of this iconic movie, I felt inspired to do my own spin on Valentine’s Day, titled, How to Get OVER Someone in 10 Days :) …. Just kidding, I wish. We all know it sadly takes much longer than 10 days to truly get over the end of a relationship.

Nevertheless, I wanted to encourage everyone that whether you’re in a break-up, make-up, or together stage, I want everyone to understand the importance of having love for yourself—as self-love is often what can guide the trajectory of a relationship.

Love & Valentine’s Day have become so culturally intertwined that it can feel impossible to escape the societal constraints of Valentine’s Day equating to only romantic relationships; the popularization of romantic relationships is endless around this season. While I am not a hater of this type of display of love, I just want to emphasize that romantic relationships are not the only kind of love that exists: family love, friend love, animal love, food love, art love, & so many other times of love exist!!!

Even so, the most important love I have learned to love the most over the last year is

SELF-LOVE.

Despite what most people associate Valentine’s Day with, I wanted to have my dear, wise, and beautiful friend, Cimmaron Harney, shed light on her perspectives as to what does make for a great relationship with YOURSELF, so then, if you choose to partake in romantic relationships, you can have the best chance for a mutually beneficial relationship.

Cim is an independent spirit and has always provided me with great relationship advice over the years, but more than anything, Cim has given me insight on how best to have a great relationship with myself & thus, my faith.

Because of this, she is the perfect person to share her insight as to what her experiences have taught her about the concept of “love” over the years…

Please give her the welcome she deserves :)

CIM:

Over the years, I’ve searched far and wide for love. From having small crushes in middle school to dating relationships that last for months, there was always something missing. When I first started dating, I lacked a sense of respect for myself. (In hindsight, all I really sought after was having a sense of security.) At the end of the day, it didn’t really matter too much how I was treated, but as long as I felt secure by “being in a relationship,” I was content.

As I started to realize that this is NOT the standard I wanted to have for myself when it comes to dating, I began to search for what is.

I wish I could say that it was at that point that I stopped seeking attention, validation, and security from “being in a relationship.” (But it wasn’t haha).

After several years of dating here & there, continuing to search for a sense of security, it became EXHAUSTING.

It was like a vicious cycle—find someone I enjoy spending time with-> feel secure-> the relationship ends for one reason or another.

It isn’t until now that I can look back and see that unintentional perspective of dating had quite the opposite effect of which my subconscious heart desired. It wasn’t until I became truly established in my faith in Christ that I realized that true security is not found in dating—it is not found in the attention, validation, and security from others. Instead, it is found in Him: Jesus.

He is the only one who truly can satisfy. I want to encourage you this Valentine’s Day if you are in a similar place, there is so much more! I encourage you to genuinely love yourself the way God has made you—in His image, fearfully, and wonderfully. With that encouragement, I want to include a few practical ways I stay grounded in loving myself, those around me, and more importantly, the Perfecter of my faith.

I want to show you guys how it’s not about “How to Lose a Guy in 10 days”, but instead, “How to Love Yourself in 10 Ways”:

1. See the valleys (hard times) as an opportunity to learn more—more about yourself, those around you, and use that time to lean into the Father. Ask yourself, “what could I learn from this situation?”.

2. Journal. It sounds cheesy, but it is so beneficial! (Especially if you’re someone like me who doesn’t talk about their feelings often.) I avoided journaling for the longest time because I didn’t like seeing my feelings on paper; they became real when they were. However, I got over that block by telling myself, “I never have to re-read anything I write, and no one else is going to see it.” Since then, journaling has helped me so much! I like to journal when I am overwhelmed or upset to help process how I actually feel about the situation vs. what I am just feeling at that moment. I also love to journal my prayers. I am prone to being distracted, so sitting down and praying has always been a challenge for me. But luckily, everything changed when I started journaling them!

3. Buy yourself flowers!!! Seriously—it brightens your mood & your home! Sometimes it’s the little things you do for yourself that can lift your mood, silly or not.

4. This is one I cannot stress enough—do something outside of your normal routine!!! I often find myself going through the motions, almost as if my life is on a hamster wheel. However, doing things outside of my normal routine helps keep life exciting! Find something this week that is outside of your norm—try somewhere new: go to a different coffee shop to do your homework, go window shopping in your town just-because, or if you go on a walk every morning at the same place, take a new route.

5. Have some quiet time somewhere in your day—whatever that looks like for you. Listening to music or having a T.V. show playing at all hours of the day may seem appealing, but you need to set aside time to just be. I mean, we are around people ALL DAY! Take time to reflect on your day, on your current season, or just your life in general. Allow yourself time to meditate on what you are grateful for. You may use this time to journal & pray, or you may be the type to sit and stare at the wall (Don’t knock it till you try it). Prioritize setting aside even just 5 minutes of your day to simply just think, process, pray, etc. I like to drive to work in the morning with no music. Call me crazy!

6. Watch the sunrise/sunset! Seriously. Watching the sunrise or sunset is so grounding to me. This is a great place to have that time to just be. I feel so accomplished in the morning when I wake up early to watch the sunrise. It also genuinely gives me a sense of gratitude for this life & the people in it. I feel so connected to God through nature, and the sunrise/sunset is a unique painting; He paints fresh twice a day!

7. Spend more time with people who inspire you. Surround yourself with people who can teach you something. Sometimes, it may be beneficial to see if you are around those who lift you up, or rather, do the opposite. Thoughtful examination in your life is so important. Therefore, select the people you choose to spend your time with wisely!

8. Don't compare yourself to others. In my experience playing the comparison game, it has only stolen my joy, making me feel negative about some aspect of myself or another. However, that is not beneficial. Understand that this is YOUR journey & your life. Comparison only complicates that authentic, individual process. Sometimes loving yourself is understanding that your life may not always look like others & that's okay. It’s different for everyone.

9. Forgive yourself if you’ve made some mistakes. Sometimes that’s what self-love looks like. We all mess up. But it's about self-forgiveness at times that allows growth to take place. We’re all humans. Give yourself some forgiveness or grace.

10. Learn to love your characteristics and what makes you, you! Yes ALL of them. Even your insecurities! Whether you have insecurities about your body image, your hair, your nose, etc. we ALL have things we sometimes wish were better about ourselves. However, knowing that your identity is placed in something beyond your curved nose or thin hair is so refreshing. I don’t want to stray away from the fact that insecurities are HARD & very real. I want to encourage you to give those self doubts to God. His burden is light, so he can take all of yours!

“For my yolk is easy and my burden is light.” (Matthew 11:30)

To conclude my post in A Graceful Space, I wanted to challenge you to see how grace changes everything. Here’s some final love notes for y’all:

HAVE GRACE FOR YOURSELF! Let go of expectations for yourself. It is okay (& great) to have goals, but again, have GRACE for yourself. Being imperfect is what makes us relatable as humans. Our experiences allow us to have deep connections with others. Don’t let your goals, or the outcome of them, define you. Look at your goals as something you are excited to work towards with yourself.

You have been through a lot with you! In fact, you’ve been there for you for your whole life. You’ve never given up on you, and you’ve never left your side. You’re a pretty good friend to you! So don’t be mean to you—you have so much to love you for.

HAVE GRACE FOR OTHERS! Everything in life either stems from having grace or a lack thereof. We forgive because we have been forgiven. Don’t forget the part that you aren’t perfect, so don’t expect someone else to be. While everyone doesn’t need to have a place in your life, forgiveness is more for you than it is for them. Holding onto unforgiveness only cultivates a hardened heart. We all have a lifetime of learning ahead of us, so let’s cultivate a graceful space ;)

“For grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God” (Ephesians 2:8).

“Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need” (Hebrews 4:16).